Hauling Out The Heavy Artillery

Bring on the Oprahnator. She'll blast words and pictures into every bedroom, bathroom, outhouse, garage, barn, and root cellar in Iowa. Her daytime Iowa audience share is greater than the other two networks' PRIME TIME share COMBINED. I've run into her on occasion here in Chicago (she's tough to miss), and I can say I've never really liked her, and I've never been a fan of the show - even though I've seen countless episodes. I'm suspicious of all her "spiritual" bullshit, and I'm not sure I trust her. What I love about Oprah is purely material - the sheer gravity and reach of her media and financial power. She's one of the few untouchables in America, and she's a black chick (race and gender place her much higher in my underdog-worshipping pantheon). And she can act the shit out of a scene, hello, Miss Sophia's home. So bring on the Oprah in Iowa, and let's turn this mother out. There's gonna be a barbeque in the rose garden baws and gurls! Praise the Lord and pass the ACLU plate. OBAMA FOR PRESIDENT. It's been a long time since the most powerful man on earth had a big black penis. Ahhh, I wax nostalgic.

Granny Blow Job

It's not TV, it's HBO. I just started watching Tell Me You Love Me, and I really like it. Kudos to these writers and producers who have finally brought to the screen a sexually active "old" couple. Hey, just because you're 85 doesn't mean you don't still need a good shag now and then. The writer, Cynthia Mort, is a genius - her expository skills are unmatched. And Jane Alexander's performance as the shrink is terrific, brava Jane (she was nurse Edna in Cider House Rules). I love HBO - on demand. Watch it, it's "edgy".

Salt N Pepa Here

Loved them then. Love them more now. Don't miss the Salt N Pepa Show on Vh1. I can't decide which one of them is nuttier, Cheryl or Sandy, but I love them both. SALT N PEPA HERE!

Hi Def Christmas

Thank you Santa for bringing me a 60'' Sony hi def tv! I'm kinda afraid of the HD world, but here I go. Can anyone tell me which Blu-Ray player to get? Where are HD DVDs going? What do I need to know? Is my Comcast bill going to double? Who else has gone HD? Advice?

With All Due Respect Your Honor, Go Fuck Yourself

10 years ago I loved her. I found her brutal honesty as refreshing as her truck driver manners. 5 years ago I discovered a giant and inexplicable crack in Judge Phony - a legal mistake so glaring (even to armchair lawyers) it haunted me every time I saw her. Basically: she hollered at some witless witness something like "...he didn't even lay a finger on you, that's not assault!... unless he touched you he did not assault you..." etc. It was very clear she didn't differentiate assault from battery (assault being "placing a person in fear of harmful touching", i.e. as simple as pointing a gun at someone). A mistake this fundamental is inexplicably baffling. It's like discovering a college art teacher who doesn't know the tertiary color wheel, or a physician who doesn't know a kidney from a bladder. It became clear that the law played little role in the rulings. She just makes it up as she goes along. It's social engineering based on a 4 minute assessment of complete strangers. But hey, that's television right? Baffled and annoyed I basically tuned her out, but after seeing her last night on Larry King I moved her from the Phony Shrill column to the Cunt column. I don't remember all the crazy shit that came out of that intractably smug face, but two specifics come to mind: she referred to the internet as "a real problem" and she swore she had never (in her life) even "turned a computer on" much less used one. She's filled with wacky ideas about IMs, technology, human nature, women, politics, etc. - a guru wannabe who rolls in and snuffles ethnocentric greeting-card pseudo-wisdom like a cat rolls in and snuffles cat-nip. After a decade of deliberation I've decided I loathe the comic character Judge Judy. I no longer accept the 'brutal honesty' argument. Honesty needn't be uncivil. There is a subtle tonal difference in judicial honesty and simply being a cunt for ratings. Her show thrives because the audience can count on a pageant of abuse. She violates my First Commandment (from which all others follow): Thou Shalt Not Be Uncool. Pillorying mildly retarded members of our society on national television isn't cool. Judge Judy is a bitch fossil in a Gulfstream- a sort of brittle shrill from another century called "Mean".

That Hand In Me Better Be Kosher

WORD on the street is that Kanye West (& mom) used this shitty plastic surgeon because he was famous and black. Now a creepy history of alleged rape and lots of malpractice emerges. For the record boys and girls: no black plastic surgeon will ever operate on me. But for that matter, no white plastic surgeon will either. Only Jews are allowed to cut into me - Dr. Klein, Dr. Gold, and Dr. Slutzky - you are free to operate - just no Blacks and no Honkies. Any fingers going into this tired, old, white body better be kosher. Word. Sad about Kanye. I can't imagine what a nightmare this is for him. She was really young. Traumatic. Horrible.

Drew Peterson, Guilty

He's a murderer, and he's a creepy pathological murderer. Drew Peterson killed at least two of his wives, and the "missing" wife will never testify because she's dead too. This blog is not an arm of the U.S. Gumment. Drew Peterson is herein GUILTY until proven innocent. So when the "missing" wife shows up and exculpates him, I will consider his innocence. But she's dead, and he's GUILTY of first degree murder. Rot in hell you degenerate pig.

Vilanch Time

I'm so glad Bruce arrives today. Reeling Film Festival here we come! Don't miss the premiere of Naked Boys Singing... we will be there Tuesday night!

Welcome Back Mary Jane

My imposed hiatus ends this month, and I am free to 420 again. Hallelujah. This is a delicious little book for anyone suffering from certain medical conditions, like sobriety. It contains everything you need to know to get started... then just let your creativity run wild. Heaven.

Cheadle's 'Talk' Triumphs

A sprawling, delicious screenplay by Michael Genet and Rick Famuyiwa coupled with the rich production design of Warren Alan Young (Patrick Banister, Art Direction) make a superb vehicle for Don Cheadle's tremendous performance in Talk To Me. I've been a Cheadle fan since Traffic. Run don't walk to get your hands on this flick, it's very good, and the producers just went hog-wild on their music budget - the soundtrack trips the lights fantastic.

Please Say Adios To Oklahoma

If you're a Mexican (documented or un) living in Oklahoma please pack your tortillas and move to another state immediately. Come to Illinois. We welcome you to our state and our economy. We need you. We like you. We love you. Oklahoma doesn't deserve you, or your labor, or food, or culture, or child care, housecleaning, landscaping, or vegetable picking. Oklahoma has outlawed the admonishments of Christ - helping the poor, doing unto others as you would they do you, and the new law doesn't just target immigrants. It targets every Oklahoma citizen who dares to commit the outrageous crime of providing food or shelter to illegals. It is now a FELONY to provide a ride to an illegal alien in Oklahoma. This law aims to make felons of the most subversive Oklahoma citizens - namely priests and nuns, as well as the operators of homeless shelters, soup kitchens, and other charities. I hope every single Mexican will leave immediately - just to demonstrate their economic value - to watch Oklahoma drift further toward third world status. Oh wait, Oklahoma already ranks LAST in economy, unemployment, education, etc., so it's not possible for it to be ranked any lower. But wouldn't it be fun to watch middle-class, lazy, white Americans be forced to take take all those back-breaking jobs? Pandemonium. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. Oklahoma is a sprawling, malignant, trailer park, and I can't wait to watch it suffer even worse from this legislation. Por Favor, mi Mexicana hermanos y hermanas, leave Oklahoma, Andale! Bienvenidos to Illinois!