Fox News Finally Official Branch Of White House

We always knew Fox News was the media wing of the RNC. It's nice that they've finally matched the face with the organization.

IML Weekend Wrap-Up

My long-time friend Bruce is one of the funniest men alive. After five long dangerously hilarious days my stomach is still sore from laughing so hard. Bruce got in last week, and we went to the Grabby Awards Saturday night. After the Grabbys we went to Chi Chi LaRue's party and danced the night away. Bruce retired for the eve and I spent some quality time with the unspeakably gorgeous Erik Rhodes (Falcon's freshest find). Sunday morning we went to the IML expo for a while then did a walk-through of the Chicago Theater - where Bruce performed for the pageant. He did a 22 minute set that brought the theater to a roar, then we headed over to the House of Blues for the fantastic afterparty. The HOB was also packed with porn stars, and I consumed copious amounts of whiskey and politely fondled most of them. I don't even remember what time we got back to the hotel - eek, but we had a delicious brunch Monday and wasted the balance of the holiday catching up on tinsel town gossip (Bruce has written the Academy Awards show for the past 16 years). If you haven't seen the excellent doc film, Get Bruce, drive don't run to buy it. I love you Bruce! Thanks for the greatest IML weekend ever.

Top Chef Finale

The Top Chef finale is tonight. Harold better win. What a smooth heterosexy mofo he is - that "goodnight honey" to Dave Martin clinched his Most Secure Breeder status. (Oh, and vote for something to get Kathy Griffin off the D-List.) Dammit, Dave had 45 seconds to dump ANY carbhydrate in a bowl for his 3rd dish and he would have beaten Tiffani. Dave, you ditzy queen, I fucking adore you. Great twist in sous chef selection. Harold, you know I love you, but you should have chosen DAVE. Tiffani, you just don't get it - you're a cunt. Food is a mean to the end of Man. Not the other way around. Get that through your thick fucking head - cooking is PENULTIMATELY about ingredients, but ULTIMATELY about human beings, and you SUCK with human beings. Harold, read my old posts, you'll see you were my favorite horse in the race from the beginning. So excited about the next season of Top Chef! Good Show Bravo! My HAROLD DIETERLE FAN PAGE!

Baby Blogging

I'm adding a new element to this blog: Baby Blogging. I spend an excruciatingly inordinant amount of time contem- plating this subject, but never blog about same. There is nothing in life I desire as deeply and as certainly as my own child. There, I've said it. Most of the venom and bile you read hereinunder and above is a reflection of my profound cowardice and deepest fears of death and non-existence. I'm not really very tough or very brave. I'm a big woman who weeps at Pampers commercials. These new baby blogging installments are going to provide a place for our stories, desires, fears, and dreams (fuckin schmaltzy shit huh?). Talk about anything here: surrogacy, in vitro, egg donors, gay parents, single parents, straight parents, why you love kids, why you hate kids, eugenics, the modern family, etc. This is the first installment of my baby-blogging. I can hardly fuckin wait to be a mom, and I'm sick of not talking about it. Can anyone spare a uterus for a few months? Who else wants kids???

Bullshit Vs. Bullshit

Whaaaaa! Your ridiculous idiotic fairy tale doesn't jibe with our stupid fucking fairy tale. Can someone please make it stop? Can anyone make it stop? Can I please just exist for one day in this country without being bombarded with this bullshit? Dan Brown, Tom Hanks, Ron Howard and the entire Catholic Church: take all your bullshit movies and books and go fuck yourselves with them. It's all so fucking tired. If you must see a movie soon don't be a lemmingtard - see Over The Hedge.

I Remember Most Of Saturday Night

Wow. My little bbq turned into quite a party. I think there were about 55 people here between 2 PM and 2 AM. Here I am over the lake/city with four other gay Chicago bloggers: Alan, Palochi, Todd, Yours Truly, and Rick. Thanks to Rob Stone, Heath, Stacy, Johnlia, Jayne, George, Tommy, Raj, Bill Dose, Perry, The Mean Girls, Richard, Danny, Woody, Donnie, Pepin, Angela Jordan, T.R., John, Carlos, Sal, David, Adrian, Ian, Leslie, Gigi, Kevin, Josh, all the bloggers, and everyone else I've failed to mention. I spent most of Sunday holding my head and moaning, but I'm vertical again, and ready to cook more burgers. Thanks everyone, I had a BLAST.

Chimpanzee Hits 31% In Polls

HAD ENOUGH AMERICA? The halfwitted pathological liar who illegally obtained your phone records hit a record low in the polls. Hallelujah, schadenfreude! There's a hurricane brewing, and it's scheduled to slam headlong into the GOP this November. Brace yourselves you fascist cretinoid shitpits... Hurricane Peace is on the way to scour you hateful braindead homophobic nazis out of Washington. On second thought, don't brace yourselves. Cling to your retarded warmonger leader and join him in the ash heap of history's Hall of Shame. FUCK OFF AND DIE you Reprehensible Reprobate Repugnant Republican Ratbags. America's HAD ENOUGH.

Real Housewives Sans Kim / Top Chef Reunion

Scandal. Kimberly Bryant was missing from the Real Housewives Reunion. I asked Jeana Keough (my favorite! & Hot Shane's mom) about Kim's highly conspicuous absence, and Jeana said "ask Bravo about it". Which means not only did Kim have some issues, but Bravo's (and/or Kim's) lawyers have clearly directed all questions regarding same to the network [UPDATE: Kim's daughter did not get into some prestigious high school (and was the only one that didn't get in), and Kim realized she made a mistake going on the show (see comments below)]. Vicki Gunvalson has gained some admirable insights, and is a very decent woman. Lauri Waring is on top of the world, and gorgeous as ever. Jeana Keough is still in marvelous form and an excellent sport. Jo De La Rosa (Ho De Lush Dumbfuck) is deeper in denial, and still being stroked like a Peruvian poodle by racist sleazebag Slade Smiley (Shade Slimy) See my other RHOOC posts: here & here. TOP CHEF: Steven Asprinio, the vile trout-faced unctuous little troll, reflects on all the 'loads dumped into him' (paging Dr. Freud). Tiffani Faison (I hate her now) loses all her makeup weeping like Dave in a mini breakdown. Dave Martin gets an "I'm not your bitch, bitch" t-shirt. Harold Dieterle remains the smoothest, sexiest chef - so smooth that in response to being accused of being gay he feigns asking the irish prick on a date. The flatulent Miguel Morales is sickening. Everyone except Harold was drunk! Dave goes into the finals as the underdog.

Personal Heroine

Remember what I said below about Angelina Jolie? All that times ten goes for Tammy Faye. After living and working with Mother Teresa I can say that Tammy Faye is as close to sainthood as Teresa. Tammy is the Christian paragon. If you haven't seen The Eyes of Tammy Faye, drive don't run to rent it. I remember growing up with 700 Club and PTL network wafting incessantly through the house. I remember being creeped out by all the crying. I never could've imagined what kind of woman Tammy would become, and I admire her so deeply. Tammy, you are one of my personal heroes, and I love you with all my heart. If there is a Christian, you are she.

Mencken Monday

"...it comforts me to think that, in one respect at least, I am superior to my chief opponents. That is in the respect that, in the main, my ideas are unpopular, and hence not profitable. No one can reasonably allege that I emit them in order to gain political office, or to get an honorary degree from the Ohio Wesleyan University, or to acquire the Legion d'honneur. This may seem a small thing, but it is at least something, especially in an American. Practically all the other men that I know try to capitalize their doctrines in some way or other. Who ever heard of an uplifter who was not looking for a job? Or, at all events, some one to finance his crusade? No one finances mine, such as it is. No one ever will." - Henry Louis Mencken

Those Pesky Mammals

They just refuse to disregard 140 million years of evolution and stick to the rules of puritanical fascism. Even seven years in the gulag didn't break these two of this heinous thing called love. It's been a decade folks, and guess who looks more happily married than anyone I know? Vili Fualaau and Mary Kay Letourneau are celebrating their one year anniversary. I hope they last forever. Fuck all the sex-nazis. Where you find menstruation and ejaculation you're bound to find babies... and where there are babies, you often find love. Mammals unite! This iconoclast offers his warm Congratulations to Vili and Mary Kay. I admire you both.

Yours Truly

Ron Volanti took my official press photo today for the lobby cards at the theatre, the show program, and the new set of ads in Gay Chicago. It was gorgeous outside today. Eight weeks till curtain. I was so pleased by the Moussaoui verdict, YAY, then crushed by the Top Chef verdict - Lee Anne Wong went packing. Damn, I wanted Tiffani Faison to go. I was very excited for Dave Martin, and now I'm even more confident that my Harold will win.

Congratulations Exxon!

Waaaa!! My drug dealer is making record profits off my pernicious addiction! How dare my dealer charge me so much for the shit I use to kill myself and trash the planet! How dare my drug dealer get a bonus this year! I demand someone force Exxon to deal me my shit cheaper! Starbucks makes 8,000% profit per cup, but Starbucks isn't turning earth into a toxic toilet! How DARE anyone profit so much from my self destruction! I demand cheaper poison! I'm entitled to destroy the planet less expensively! Okay, FUCK YOU COMMUNIST COCKSOCKETS. Mortgage your house to buy a hybrid and start carpooling, or pay OUT YOUR ASS for your noxious fucking gasoline. Exxon's chairman was UNDERPAID. The best goddamn thing that could happen to this country and this earth would be for the price of oil to skyrocket. The faster oil hits $1,000 a barrel and gas hits $20 a gallon the fuckin better. America, you are a JUNKIE. You're addicted to something that's killing you- your kids- and your grandkids. It's not going to be easy getting off this shit. You're gonna go through withdrawals. It's gonna hurt. You'll be dope sick for a while. You're gonna ache and scream and sweat and shit and barf and shiver and weep and wish you were fucking dead, but once you're OFF IT - YOUR WHOLE UNIVERSE WILL BE UNFATHOMABLY BETTER. I hope Exxon triples its profits every year until this junkie-country gets the balls to free itself from this disgusting and lethal relationship. Brazil did it. So can we.