Red, White, and VERY Blue...

In response to some of the foreign (and domestic) email questioning my patriotism I offer a message to America, this country I love so dearly. I accuse America of being so bad... because we ARE bad. We're the baddest-assed sons of bitches that ever jogged in Reeboks. We're three quarters Smith & Wesson, two thirds car wreck, and descended from a stock market crash on our mother's side. You take Germany, France, and Spain, roll them all together and there wouldn't be enough room to park our SUVs. We're the big boys Jack, the original, giant, economy-sized, new and improved ass kickers of recorded history. When we snort coke in Los Angeles people lose their hats in Santa Cruz. And we've got an American Express card with a limit higher than metric numbers even go. Of course American hegemony won't last forever, but we haven't been invaded so far, because there are few pussies alive who have the guts to even try. We drink napalm to get our hearts started in the morning. A rape and a mugging is our way of saying 'cheerio'. Hell itself can't hold our proms and rodeos. We walk taller, talk louder, spit farther, fuck longer, cum harder, and buy more shit than most languages have names for. I'd rather be a junkie in a New York City jail than king, queen, and jack of anywhere else. We can eat countries for breakfast and shit 'em out before lunch. I'm one Oklahoma farm boy who loves this enormous, gaudy, nasty, brilliant, filthy, gorgeous country like my own flesh and blood... and that being said, FUCK YOU AMERICA! We've got a long, intimate relationship ahead of us, and I'm sick of watching you act like a mother fucker. Stick to donuts, NASCAR, liquor, and pornography. Stop invading foreign countries and slaughtering innocent women and children. I fucking love you, and it breaks my heart when you behave like a mindless, rabid animal.

Respice, Adspice, Prospice.

There remains only one degree of separation between Zbigniew Brzezinski and me. I find this man infinitely fascinating. ZB was behind Carter's baiting the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. ZB and David Rockefeller founded the Trilateral Commission. ZB foretold the Soviet collapse. Presidents and Popes are interesting, but more interesting are the men who make them. If you could spend a week with anyone on earth, whom would it be? ZB for me.

Man Bites Dog

I'm so sick of this asinine accusation: “news agencies don’t report the good stuff in Iraq.” Let’s be clear: ‘Dog Bites Man’ is NOT news. ‘Man Bites Dog’ IS news. ‘Child Attends School’ is NOT news. ‘Child Slain At School’ IS news. ‘Family Eats Dinner’ is NOT news. ‘Diner Eats Family’ IS news. 'Cat Falls From Tree' is NOT news. 'Falling Cat Kills Infant' IS news. The normal goings-on of society are NON-NEWS. No ethical journalist has any business reporting non-news. ‘Dog Bites Man’ is NOT NEWS. The everyday minutiae of ordinary life is "human interest" reporting, thus falls under the purview of Ophra, Maury, Dr. Phil, The View bitches, and other such fucktards - NOT CNN. The schmaltz-schleppers WOULD be crawling all over Iraq reporting sentimental trash, IF they could leave an Iraqi hotel room without being blown to bits. Why aren't the media being clear about this? Why are they caving to this absurd accusation? Please help me shout this from the mountaintops! DOG BITES MAN IS NOT NEWS!!!

Huh?

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid - aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed tihs, frowrad it.

Look Out Google

Fierce competition looms on the search engine horizon. I just tried Microsoft's new search engine, live.com, and I WAS BLOWN AWAY by the results (but the layout and scrollbar need work). You should check it out, I'd love to hear if anyone else is as impressed as I am.

Headlines

"Unrelated"? Three shootings in three days - all "unrelated". What a strange story. A trillionth trillionth of a second is really fast - this story gives "inflation" a new meaning. The English (rather, the British, thank you Tony) are so civilized - the Royal Navy takes fags, and seems to be "cohesive", why does America remain in the dark ages?

Variant Ides

Now that the only readers I have left are the NSA, FBI, and White House I'll go back to posting innocuous curiosities: Today is the Ides of March. The Ides of May is May 15th; the Ides of July is July 15th, and the Ides of October is October 15th. The Ides of the remaining months are on the 13th day of those months. I have no idea what that's all about, but I bet one of my CIA readers can explain it.

I Support The Iraqi People

If a heavily armed Chinese or Russian soldier broke down a door in Chicago, and stormed into an apartment for ANY REASON WHATSOEVER, I would whole-heartedly support and encourage the residents of said aparment in any and all efforts to kill every invading soldier. I would therefore be a gross hypocrite to deny that same support to any Iraqi family. We're indoctrinated with this asinine phrase: "I support the troops!" I'm breaking with the lemmingtards, and telling the truth about how I feel. Any foreign soldier who enters the home of an Iraqi citizen deserves to have his head blown off. How fucking dare an American violate the sanctity of an Iraqi home. I'm ashamed of the troops, I regret the presence of American soldiers in Iraq. I support the immediate and wholesale failure of American troops in the arbitrary, inhumane, and illegal invasion of the sovereign nation of Iraq. I support the Iraqi people in any and all efforts to remove or kill American soldiers in the same way I would support any American's effort to remove or kill a home invader. IRAQ IS NOT YOURS AMERICA. YOU ARE A HOME INVADER. LEAVE OR BE KILLED.

Attention Women of South Dakota

Impregnated by your brother? Husband will bury you in the back forty if he finds out you're pregnant? Parents will disown you? Fetus you're carrying belongs to the psychopath that raped you? Now that your state has outlawed abortion you should consider some online resources before proceeding with the coathangers in your bathtub, or the mechanic across-town who does D&Cs out of his garage. It's out of your doctor's hands now, so here's an online abortion manual. Read up, study hard, sterilize all your tools, and I hope you survive.

Bush Can't But Anna Can!

My plan to catch Bin Laden: let's tell Anna Nicole Smith that there's an old billionaire on dialysis hiding in the mountainous region of South Waziristan. Clad her in a GPS kevlar wedding dress and an M1A1 Abrams tank, and helidrop her into Azad Kashmir. Tell Anna that Osama is heirless, has a 37 karat engagement ring in his robe, and will be dead in six months. Send the 82nd Airborne (including all of its gay porn stars) to track her via the GPS dress. We'll have Osama in the bag in six days.

Witty Bitch

Here's to Margot Asquith, who on one occasion, when her name was mispronounced by the American actress Jean Harlow, announced to the assembled company that "The "t" is silent, as in "Harlow". That's got to be the best line of a decade if not century. Also, has anyone Googled "failure" lately?

XXVII

Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed,
The dear repose for limbs with travel tired;
But then begins a journey in my head,
To work my mind, when body’s work’s expired:
For then my thoughts, from far where I abide,
Intend a zealous pilgrimage to thee,
And keep my drooping eyelids open wide,
Looking on darkness which the blind to see:
Save that my soul’s imaginary sight
Presents thy shadow to my sightless view,
Which, like a jewel hung in ghastly night,
Makes black night beauteous and her old face new
Lo, thus by day my limbs, by night my mind,
For thee and for myself no quiet find.

Collaring Oscar

Hallelujah! Phil Hoffman finally got his Oscar. Reese, Ang, Haggis, et. al. Clooney is such a charming pro. Jon Stewart was so-so, and Lily & Meryl stole the show with their Altman tribute. Reese's gown was Christian Dior vintage 1955. Ben Stiller should be shot in the head. What did Joaquin mouth into the camera? I'm so proud of Phil Hoffman, I love his work. Jessica Alba's hair was beyond gorgeous, and I have gone from not giving a rat's ass about George Clooney to worshipping him (his post-show E! interview was masterful). Pretty average year all in all... will be nice to see the winners on Charlie Rose through the year.

New Friends

Last night at Crew, with Woody and Todd. I'm so glad I went, because I finally met these two fantastic guys (and learned we're a lot closer than I imagined), but I was disappointed that the trumpeted "Chicago Gay Blogger" thing didn't seem to materialize - or did materialized, but operates in such stealth that no one could determine who any of them were without going table to table and asking - eek. Notice one of my favorite Homer Simpson quotes is posted on the tap behind our heads: "I like my beer cold and my homosexuals flaming." Amen.