Altercation and Utilize, or Idiot Detection

One should never under any circumstances use the words "utilize" or "altercation". If you feel "utilize" coursing toward your tongue replace it with "use". Unless you're in certain esoteric physical-sciences disciplines there is absolutely no excuse to use this word. It doesn't just make someone sound like a moron, worse: it makes them sound like a moron who's trying to sound like a smart person. Morons are like crackheads, there's nothing at all wrong with being one as long as you're honest about it. I, for instance, am a crackhead. Altercation is another word one should never use. This word is most commonly used by morons when talking to judges. "Your honor the altercation occu-" STOP! "the FIGHT", just say "fight". And if you think there are ANY exceptions to this one, take it from a crackhead... you're a moron.

New View

I'm moving next week. I got the keys to the new place last week, and just returned from taking some measure- ments and dropping off a small load of books. This is my bedroom balcony which looks out across Hollywood beach (yes, the gay beach), and that's Lakeshore Drive winding towards downtown. I'll take pix of the skyline when it isn't snowing. More pix here. And, move over Warhol: Toddspot talent.

"Hate Jews? Vote Genocide!"

Newly Formed Democratic Middle East Coalition Votes To Invade United States. (I don't remember the exact Onion headline but it was something like that) Democracy... do we really want everyone to have it? Didn't Germany elect Hitler? Bad majority! Bad majority! Fuck Palestine. Is anyone starting to miss a time when Saddam's friends and enemies were being tortured and murdered in Iraq, instead of hot college girls from Michigan? Ah... the good ol days.

See Yours Truly on Perez Hilton

I have a scoop, but in the wake of Scott's mom dying it seems trivial. I got another blast- from- the- past email from someone who saw my face HERE. Okay, her name is Megan. We were great friends growing up in Tulsa, Oklahoma. We used to run around Riverside drive together, all night and all day, barefoot, and chase boys, and have so much fun. And Megan is GORGEOUS. I saw her again back in the nineties, after I had moved to Chicago, but then we totally lost touch. She saw my face on Perez and emailed me, and now I've got this great letter from her, which I must respond to, she's one of my heros in life, and I'm so proud of her. I hope I can post her pic, this is one more delicious internet reunion. What a mindblowing technology this is. I LOVE MEGAN!

Scott's Mom Died

Sardonic Bomb's mom went to heaven today. Wow, he has been so strong through all of this, this is 'photographer Scott' I've mentioned in previous posts. He was touching her when she died, omg, the whole thing just sends chills through me, I don't know how I'll survive my mom's death, Holy God, what a f*cking nightmare, I'm so proud of Scott... he is such an inspiration, what strength, wow, read about what he's been through. You will be inspired. Life is bittersweet. All these years... go by in a blink. All we have is now. RIGHT NOW. You're in my thoughts Scott. xoxoxoxo

Another Google Reunion

I've dropped plenty of hooks into cyberspace with 'Where Are You?' retroposts, like this one. It's usually only a matter of time before people Google themselves, and find my posts. Today I opened my mail to find this in the subject line: "OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". The email began: "OOOOMMMMMMMMMMG! What a blast from the past!... Where in the world did we take that picture? Boy…this made my day fun!" Colleen is a supermodel I used to cat around with in the, uh, early nineties. I did hair for her uber-wedding (yes, I was an Oak Street hairstylist (shut up) before becoming a University of Chicago student, and master criminal), for her and her bridesmaids. She married a famous White Sox player. Now, thanks to Google power, we're reunited. (Remember when I turned your hair to fruitstripes Colleen? Then Gabriel fixed it?) Can't wait to see you baby girl. This is a current pic of Colleen... she's still a KnockOut (can you say Heather Locklear, but w/ a brain!) Behold ubercool Googlepower.

Creative Genius

The Bob Blog is a glimpse into the mind and behind the eyes of a remarkable artist. The imagery is fantastic... the bright geometric (almost sexual) clarity of the automobiles to the gritty and ferocious pieces of machinery... the vacant, haunted spaces and buildings, surreal, and visceral. Few photo- graphers capture the beauty of disin- tegration this perfectly. These aren't just photos, they are powerfully evocative candidates for art. I love his work.

Tony Hopkins For The Hour

Don't miss Anthony Hopkins on Charlie Rose! Find your local schedule. This interview will be transcendent. One of my lawyers won't talk to me, the other one just invited me to stay at one of his getaway houses for a week—where I can rehearse in peace and solitude. I don't know what the web situation is there, so I may vanish from cyberspace for a week. I am supposed to sign the contract with the theater Thursday, after which I will announce when tickets go on sale. OH!, and check out Puerto Rico, The Board Game on my ex-husband's blog.

Die Already

Read Andy's delicious piece on Stupid and Bin Laden. And (new to this page), you can roll your cursor over the country flags on the lower right (stat counter) to see maps of those countries on their respective continents. It's cool.

Meta Meta Blogging or Cheating Cubed

Meta is usually cheating. "I have nothing to blog about so I'll blog about having nothing to blog about." Barf. Meta- film is usually heinous, yes, even when Charlie Kaufman pens and Meryl stars. I can't believe he got away with that in Adaptation: 'Oh, shit, my manuscript is due, and I've done nothing... I'll just write about a character with writer's block, and what the hell, I'll name him Charlie Kaufman, maybe a repulsive twin brother character will distract the audience from my appalling lack of creativity.' Self-referential garbage. And this very (horrible) post is meta...CUBED: writing about writing about writing. Save this post as an example of what NEVER to do. 99% of meta-anything is doomed.

Half-Nekkid Thursdays

I made a LINKPAGE of bloggers participanting in Half-Nekkid Thursdays. Not sure if I'm ready to join, but I'm glad certain other people participate! (guidelines here) I'm disappointed in lots of these HNT pix... especially the ones who are fully dressed! Yes, I read the guidelines, I know it's not about PORN, but come on... HNT in a suit and tie? Lame. Happy HNT to all of you who do it right... like THIS!, and x, y, z, p, d, etc. [ok here's mine]

Burger King You Scare Me

Who's seen the new Creepy King ads? Please join me in boycotting this place until they pull these ads. It's bad enough they would air ads that aren't appetizing, but nightmare inducing?! OK, so my boycott won't scare them—as I haven't eaten there in years, but at least I've wafted this out into the ether. Burger King, you're disturbing, so very disturbing.

Megalinks & Photo Retroposting

Wow, after 23 hours of work, I finished this MEGALINK page. It's mainly for my own convenience, but bookmark it and you, too, may benefit from (and thoroughly enjoy) the fruit of this infuriatingly laborious endeavor—also notice the new "megalink" icon on the right, AND, I've made my Mame page a Gay Blog Link page. Additionally, I've been going back and filling in the month of October (remember girls, I was in the hoosegow) with pics of me and friends.

Not a Green Monster Anymore

Yay! another personality quiz, and now I'm analogous to a cool sci-fi character (thanks again to mark g).

Assiduous Boozing At The 45th Parallel

...Bulldog, Bulldog, Bow Wow Wow... Eli Yale! Yalemark & I have obstinately persevered in six days of assiduous boozing— at last count we were at 16 bottles of vino and 2 bottles of bourbon. I saw Star Wars, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Lemony Snicket, Chocolate Charlie, Fantastic Four, and Bewitched. Hated, liked, liked, liked, hated, and really hated— respectively (but Johnny storm is fine as hell). Martha's on soon— time for a drink.

Recipe: Uova Alla Valdostana

Want to astonish your next overnight guest (read: “trick”) with your culinary genius? Learn to make eggs—as prepared in the Valley D’Aosta: 2 tbsp. olive oil; 2 cloves garlic—finely chopped; 2 tbsp. chopped fresh parsley; 6 large eggs; 2 anchovy fillets, finely mashed; 1 tsp. finely grated lemon rind; 6 small ¼-inch-thick slices Fontina cheese. Heat oil in skillet, then add garlic & parsley, cook over medium heat, stirring, until brown. Spread the mixture evenly over the entire bottom of pan. Add eggs one at a time, allow their bottoms to lightly sizzle; keep their tops soft. Top each egg yolk with a dab of mashed anchovy, a tiny sprinkle of lemon rind, & 1 slice of Fontina. Turn heat down to low and cover skillet a few minutes—until the Fontina starts melting. Serve in skillet. Benvenuto al Torino!

Hello New England

Arrived New Hampshire, and drove to Vermont (phone pic of capital). Attended a Catholic Mass this morning, at which Yalemark played the organ. We're headed to a dinner party at some famous chef's house. See pix of me on the road at Streaming Weltanschauung... and stay tuned for a recipe...

Thou Shalt Not Solicit Undercover Cops

Another right-wing, anti-gay-rights Christian caught cruising. Pastor of South Tulsa Baptist Church, and member of the Southern Baptist Convention's Executive Committee, Lonnie Latham, was arrested in Oklahoma City after soliciting a male cop. Hallelujah! Schadenfreunde. Let's hope he found what he was looking for--in the county jail (and spared some decent hooker the nauseating ordeal). God wants you on your knees pastor Latham... but not 120 miles from home in a gay short-time motel. And, frankly, we don't want you there either.

Dear Lord!

Thank you for all the mail, and occasional prayer requests. As usual, I change the names to protect the guilty. Last week brought the following: "Dear Lord!, I’ve been dating a guy for about six months now, I secretly think he's an escort, but isn’t telling me. I wouldn’t care if he was, but I would like to know. Please Advise.
—being poked by pro?"
BPBP: The best way is, as always, the most direct—ask him. You sound secure in your apathy regarding his hooker-status. I think you should express said apathy and give him the opportunity to tell you. If he denies it, I’m not sure you’re much better off, because he still either is, or isn’t, but if he is, at least you’ve forced him into the moral low-ground by lying to you about it. If he says he isn’t, yet you remain unconvinced, there are a few signs for which to look: e.g.: does he have a job? 9 times out of 10, if he doesn’t have a job, he’s a hooker (even if you, BPBP, are the John). There are other signs such as unexpected midnight "appointments" and a steady consumption of condoms and lube (while you’re at work). Also, send me a photo of him, and there’s a good chance—if he is a hooker—I’ll recognize him. Be honest and direct, and keep in mind (especially if he’s really hot) not everyone’s getting it for free.
Send prayer requests to dearlord@aethlos.com.

Which Superhero Are YOU???

My results:
I am "Hulk"

Hulk 100% The Flash 90% Superman 80% Batman 80% Catwoman 75% Robin 55% Spider-Man 50% Iron Man 50% Green Lantern 40% Wonder Woman 35% Supergirl 30%

I am a "wanderer with amazing strength."

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz
Thanks Mark G!

Separated at Birth?

Forgive me Courtney (and Patty) I love Ms. Love, for her performance in The People vs. Larry Flynt if nothing else, but I can't get over how creepy Katie Holmes has now become... am I a victim of media/blogger bias? Or are Tom and Katie just SUPERCREEPY? (i shudder to think how many of my readers are too young to remember Patty Hearst... or should I say, TANIA!) And thank God for John Waters for keeping Patty working.

First Digit Law, or The Magic of One

is the most popular number. Benford’s law: in every set of naturally generated data—heights of mountains, land areas of countries, batting averages, lengths of rivers, etc.—approximately 30% of the numbers begin with 1. Think you can evade this law? Try doubling every number in the set. Approx. 30% of the new set, will STILL begin with 1, as Benford’s law is scale invariant (change the scale: i.e. feet to inches, 30% of the #s will always begin with 1). Practical implications: PHONY SETS OF DATA CAN BE DETECTED BY THE FREQUENCY OF OCCURRENCE OF THE FIRST DIGITS. In natural data sets numbers should begin with 1 approximately 30% of the time—and with 9 only 5% of the time. In other words, if you FAKE A LIST OF NUMBERS (i.e. an expense account), be sure roughly 30% of your numbers START WITH 1, and only about 5% start with 9. Companies use software based on Benford's law to analyze copious data, and detect (unintelligent) manipulation (i.e. the E.P.A.— checking pollution data). You see—One is the most Magic Number.

Happy New Year!!!

I want to go ahead of Father Time with a scythe of my own. —H. G. Wells