Altercation and Utilize, or Idiot Detection
One should never under any circumstances use the words "utilize" or "altercation". If you feel "utilize" coursing toward your tongue replace it with "use". Unless you're in certain esoteric physical-sciences disciplines there is absolutely no excuse to use this word. It doesn't just make someone sound like a moron, worse: it makes them sound like a moron who's trying to sound like a smart person. Morons are like crackheads, there's nothing at all wrong with being one as long as you're honest about it. I, for instance, am a crackhead. Altercation is another word one should never use. This word is most commonly used by morons when talking to judges. "Your honor the altercation occu-" STOP! "the FIGHT", just say "fight". And if you think there are ANY exceptions to this one, take it from a crackhead... you're a moron.
posted by Aethlos at 8:44 PM
22 Comments:
NO, this is not directed at you K!, or anyone else!... so if these words appear in your blogs don't think this post is about u. it was inspired by the thousands upon thousands of pages of court testimony i've read. geez... so sensitive.
Well I would rather use words that make me seem moronic than be pathologically self absorbed. I would rather be a moron than be judgemental. I would rather use a word incorrectly but sit peacefully knowing I don't GIVE A FUCK what others think of my intelligence or lack thereof... than spend the energy to worry about how my words render me in the scrutiny of people who purport to care about me. And so on...and so on....blah blah blah
You get it.
stand back...there's going to be an altercation!
Judgement hurts, scars, and diminishes.
That was all I meant, Spence. Good night.
WARNING: Contained herein are the following: name-calling, graphic violence, villainy, profanity, bawdiness, political incorrectness, arrogance, defiance, subversion, degradation, pornography, abomination, desecration, indecency, lewdness, graphic language, obnoxiousness, snobbery, sweeping generalization, opinion, unpleasantness, perversion, homosexuality, smut, indecorousness, verbal assault, taboo, graphic language, homophobia, narcotic use/abuse, unseemliness, nefariousness, corruption, debasement, indecency, criminality, and Paris Hilton. This warning is not and shall not be construed as limited to the above-mentioned offenses, and may be expanded at any time and without prior written notice to the reader. If you do not desire to be exposed to one or more of the above-mentioned, please redirect your browser here immediately. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
I'm going to utilize this altercative commentative dialogue in an entry.
here's a delicious quote from lil: "Pollution and global warming are facts, and only fuckwads and propagandists seem unable to decipher this from fiction..." Maybe she's too nice to be judgemental, so i'll do it for her: if you're not clever enough to get your brain around global warming and pollution, YOU ARE FUCKWADS. Duh! Treepower Bitches!
Fuck you, you fuckwad! :) Don't make me sing "Kumbaya" at you or hit you with my dope bag.
Perhaps the trouble I have is this, with language and culture- that I have trouble with these things that indicate 'intelligence' because many kids grow up talking like fucking morons simply because they had parents that talked like fucking morons. I myself had very academic parents with too many degrees yet I STILL ended up talking like a fucking moron. I supposedly have a high IQ but that is because the test is biased for white-bread suburban kids which is what I was and I still sound like a fucking moron.
So I light a special sympathy candle every night in solidarity of the morons that I so lovingly identify with...then I blow out the candle and have sex with it. No- I'm kidding.
Perhaps later I will post a picture of what I think of Precious Moments...
The young scare me. I listen to them talk and you hear some word they are trying on like a new pair of socks. They end up cramming their toe through the word so you politely say, did you mean escalator? They kindly accept this tidbit of correction and before you know it you're standing in a pile of verbal carcasses that are pouring from their flapping jaws. You just want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them...."DON’T YOU HAVE A DICTIONARY IN YOUR HOUSE?"
Cheers,
kb
[be aware that I was so freaked out by my own shitty spelling that I checked this in Word before I posted it]
i was going down the elevator the other day, it stopped and a tiny precious-moments sized child stepped in followed by his father. The child immediately turned to the number panel and said "no thirteen!". It hit me like a bolt of lightning. OMG. That's SO HEAVY and so infuriating. Why? Because it's a HUGE FUCKING LIE. There IS a thirteen... but we lie, and call it fourteen. FORCING us to then LIE about every floor number above thirteen... and ALL this BULLSHIT and Unreality and Distortion of truth and fact happens why??? BECAUSE THE WORLD IS FILLED WITH FUCKING MORONS. TOTAL FUCKING IDIOTS WHO WON'T BUY APARTMENTS AND VISIT BUSINESSES ON THIRTEENTH FLOORS. This deserves a post actually... i'm going to stew (steam) on this for the rest of the morning...wait a minute.. i'm on to something... i think there's actually a routine in that idea... i have to go write this down so i can take it to the stage... ugh, what am i doing up at this hour?...i'm gonna put on a pot of bourbon and contemplate new ways to torture lil.
Your post. I love it. Absolutely love it. Here's another one I learned from re-hab: Angry. It seems no man is willing to use the word "angry." As in feeling. We choose anything but. So say it Spencey, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!" Get my point?
-Todd
Perhaps we don't use it because it sounds preclusive of happiness. I'm all kinds of angry, but have only one regret, and am unusually happy in general. In fact I think i'm often happiest when i'm angry. Anger is steam (trite i know): it can blow a buildling off its foundation or power a locomotive across continents--depending on what machine it's channeled through, and the machine is one's Moral Code...but i digress into Rand. So anger is invaluable stuff in the right machine. So yes, i am mad as hell, and i want to say i'm not going to take it anymore, but as long as i live in a world of morons i do have to take it... everywhere I turn. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. This blog is like my schtick--in that i slam myself right along with all the morons. Let's not forget--I'm the crackhead from the county jail.
Picture this: Spence and Lily are crying because Lily lost her sublet of a sublet of an illegal sublet in NYC. She searches in desperation, but cannot find another. She is freaked out by a doorman who tells her: "The only vacant apartment we have is on the thirteenth floor!"
Nooooooo! She decides to be homeless instead, and while resting her head on her Kate Spade next to a Brownstone she overhears the owners while they talk in bed during Anderson Cooper, and she finds out that the erection medication he worked on was tested on inmates at a Correctional Facility in Chicago. Lily is asked to testify for Congress, and the inmates are awarded damages that enable thousands of them to send their children to private schools where they get dictionaries and learn to say ESCALATOR. And there was much fuckwad rejoicing.
lil just posted the thirteenth comment...there's a joke in there somewhere but i'm too busy packing books to find it. or maybe there isn't a joke, maybe it just means she's going to be hit by a beer truck. D'oh!
What does Todd mean? I've worked in rehabs and I never heard anyone say don't be angry.. in fact, we tell people to be their authentic selves, that part of the addiction brainset is to contrive feelings and that transformation necessitates 'keeping it real". Be angry, and if you're happy and you know it clap your hands.
Addiction has helped them avoid experiencing the spectrum of emotions, and so further suppression is unhealthy and counterproductive. Learning to be angry and find serenity after dealing with that- thats what I talked about in rehab. Demand a fucking refund!!!
Thats not helpful.
Is there a joke in this too?
I was relieved to discover that a Google search of my blog uncovers not a single usage of "utilize" or "altercation," but there was one hit for "strategery."
excellent,is about all i can say about this post.
... whereas poor old Spencer, by this post alone, now has occurences of the very words he despises to his name.
Fuckwad is a good word, but still not a patch on knobshiner.
omg, didn't come home last night, took a load to new pad, and ended up at bowling alley, bars, and ultimately the futon of a famous pubisher... oy. Have a story from the new place... i'm already in trouble with the neighbors, ugh, and took more pix... will post soon.
ALSO, I'm starting to feel like the Chef who people are afraid to cook for. But you all know that's COUNTERINTUITIVE right? I love language like a chef loves food... so don't get freaked out by my linguistic harangues. A chef is actually the FIRST person you want to cook for.... and i'm the FIRST person you want to write for... and use words for. I only excoriate morons... and NOT A SINGLE MORON HAS EVER READ MY BLOG!!!!!!!
Pause. I'm on narcissism overload... give me a sec. whew.
Ok- How are you today Spence? Thank fucking Jesus because I think a 'shag' was the antidote.
i did NOT have a shag. the futon in the GUEST room.
Post a Comment
<< Home